Clarity and Finding Myself

Forgive me because this is going to be a ramble-y post but these can be some of my favourite to read as well as write so I think it's good sometimes to just let the thoughts flow from your brain to your fingertips. No filter or editing. 

I'm so torn. This summer has shown me a whole new world (no pun intended) and it's made me a whole new person. I think in a different way, I see things in a whole new perspective, I dream bigger and realise that I can do bigger too. A whole new world of opportunities have opened up to me. I have met incredible people, who continue to pleasantly surprise me with their willingness to listen and understand and comfort me. I have found people who I genuinely feel like I gel with, which is something I have struggled with in the past.

However it has left me with an itch. I'm fidgeting. I don't fit in the life I had before the summer, the life I've always seen for myself and have always been ok with living. I saw my future laid out in front of me and uni was always the next natural step in that. I'm an academic, I love to learn, it's what stimulates me, and school has always been something I'm good at. I prided myself in my knowledge of what I wanted to do with my life and knowing how I could get there. A lot of my friends and peers where almost clueless in this respect. I had known my path since primary school.

But then I was chucked this curve ball, this adventure of travelling and seeing new things and discovering new places. In hindsight it's not far fetched that this took my fancy, I am a massively inquisitive person, hence why I love to learn, therefore exploring new places is just a more practical extension of this. Saying that, it has triggered a thirst for adventure in me that I have only ever felt for reading, writing and creating. I've always been an in-my-own-head type of person. I like to imagine big things and create stories, I embellish things including my own life. But they were only in my head, they were never for me to live out or even to share just yet.

But the whole 3 months I was away I was the happiest I've ever been. Yes there was ups and downs but it is the longest I have been consistently happy for a very long time. I guess I knew I wasn't satisfied. In that time I was pushed to places (literally and metaphorically) that I never thought I could or would go. And now I don't know what to do with that: the experiences, the new knowledge I have about myself, where it's left me. I have this unbelievable unease with staying in one place and although travelling in it's literal sense makes me stressed and anxious (I hate the idea of missing trains/planes/buses or forgetting things), the actuality of being in different places and enjoying them with great people is something that brings me more joy that I ever knew it could.

Don't get me wrong, uni is still the path I want to follow, I'm so eager to learn and broaden my knowledge and understanding of a subject that I have always adored. I'm loving where uni is taking me and where it has already got me. But now I seem to be finding myself having to balance this with an undeniable wanderlust. They don't lie when they say you catch the travel bug, it's real and it's demanding, and I've surely got it.

I am not satisfied anymore and I guess I never was before either, but I didn't know what it was that I was missing from my life. Even if it's just going into my local town, I have this need to explore and learn about and discover new places. I want to know what makes each place unique. I need to learn about things that I don't know about or am not familiar with. I'm fascinated and fixated. 

When I started this blog I always wanted it to be a place that I could pour my thoughts into, almost like a diary, something that I could keep track of and update. I think this is a pivotal moment in my life and I'm so excited to see where it takes me. I'm glad I have this blog to record these types of things, it'll be fun to look back on.

Am I crazy? I don't know but I'm loving it anyway.

Beth xo